The other night DickyB and I had the pleasure of attending the launch party for Gordon Ramsey's new restaurant at Atlantis, the Palm. Such a good night, great food, free flowing bubbles and I love the interior design. Even got pretty up close and personal with the grumpy Gordon himself! But whilst we were there my beautiful deep purple killer heels took their toll on me and I needed to sit down and rest my poor feet. Seriously most of these stunning shoes are definitely sitting down shoes, worn to look sexy but not standing up shoes!
I found myself sitting next to a beautiful Australian lady who was four months on from a near fatal accident. She was lovely and obviously going through the process of finding and accepting a new her. It's a tough ride in the beginning but most of us get there; I did but it took a couple of years to accept my mortality and move on from the inner fear that cancer causes. We found ourselves chatting for over an hour as our husbands bonded over a few drinks. But one of the questions she asked me was "what makes your marriage work?"
Now that's a million dollar question isn't it. What does make a marriage or committed relationship work? You don't have to be married it's all about committing to another person for better for worse. I answered her with a quick "don't be afraid to argue as an argument can keep the passion alive" and the conversation moved on. Dipping and ebbing as conversations can; briefly touching on a topic before the natural flow moved you on. There's nothing wrong with that particularly if you've only just met someone and might not see them again. You can't fully commit to someone who just might be a passing moment in time. You quite rightly save your inner most feelings and thoughts for those people who will stay in your life. Who you feel are there for the long haul.
But as I went to bed that night I found myself thinking about what makes our marriage work. It's not as simple as one thing. Yes, we argue but not like we did in the earlier years. When we first met I had trust issues and needed constant reassurance that I was beautiful, that I was worthy of a man who loved me. That this man would accept that I came as three; Ben, Bex and me. Every time he went out without me I was convinced that he would meet someone prettier, younger, smarter and sexier, with no emotional baggage. Why on earth would such an attractive and caring man want to be with me? DickyB used to say that I had a brick wall erected around myself and the kids, that every time he thought he had made headway and knocked a few layers down something would happen and the wall would be built back thicker and higher than before.
I'm digressing though. What does make my marriage work. I'm not going to answer for anyone else as this is so personal. Your relationship, your rules!
With every relationship you will have your ups and downs, you take the good with the bad but only as long as you're growing together, that you're still on the same page. That you are, in fact the same people as you were when you first met. We are generally attracted to someone before we start to build up a friendship or emotional relationship; not always I know, but generally we look at someone and say "well hellooooo" in our heads. Hopefully not out loud because that could be really embarrassing... It doesn't always work that way, sometimes a friendship progresses into love and that can be a wonderful thing, to be in love with your best friend.
I do remember the first time I saw DickyB and I do remember the first time I met him again as a single mum. We had been friends in Saudi so had built up a friendship first and he felt safe when we met up in Dubai both on the right side of relationships that had gone wrong. Not safe in a comfort way but a safe 'I know you and the kids know you so I'm still within my comfort zone' safe. And I fancied him! I'd always thought he was attractive; that's ok, you don't stop admiring others because you're married or in a relationship. The world is full of beauty and we shouldn't be blind to it.
We do argue but it keeps the passion alive. He drives me nuts at times, as I do him. DickyB would sulk, I refuse to; I blow up and then giggle. Very infuriating for him. But he gets me like I get him. He knows me better than anyone because he lives with all of me. He truly gets the worst of me; the irrational, emotional me. But he gets the full heart of me, the heart that fights and cries, laughs and sees the best in life. And he still loves me even when I've pushed every button possible. As he's done with me. We know each other; I can read his voice on the phone, I can tell by his mouth set whether he's happy or sad; I know his happy hands and the hands that show his stress. At night we both know whenever one of us is awake and a hand will sneak across the bed just so you know you're not alone, no words necessary.
It's more than that though. We talk all the time. I find myself watching people when we go out and are saddened by how many couples just don't seem to communicate. We don't stop chatting, there's always something to say and to discuss. At times sensible, other times bordering on the ridiculous. And we laugh, all the time. We laugh with each other and at each other (in a nice way). We actually enjoy each other's company. He's one of my best friends. I love his company and look forward to him coming home from each day. We have the same dreams and hopes, the same beliefs and family values.
So what makes our marriage work?
Love... We really do love each other and can't imagine life alone. We actually like each other.
Respect... We respect each other and know that compromise is often the best way.
Humour... We laugh with each other everyday; we like to make each other laugh.
Values... Our beliefs and values complement each other's.
Family... The most important thing to both of us. Family First, every time.
And it's quite simple. I love him.
I found myself sitting next to a beautiful Australian lady who was four months on from a near fatal accident. She was lovely and obviously going through the process of finding and accepting a new her. It's a tough ride in the beginning but most of us get there; I did but it took a couple of years to accept my mortality and move on from the inner fear that cancer causes. We found ourselves chatting for over an hour as our husbands bonded over a few drinks. But one of the questions she asked me was "what makes your marriage work?"
Now that's a million dollar question isn't it. What does make a marriage or committed relationship work? You don't have to be married it's all about committing to another person for better for worse. I answered her with a quick "don't be afraid to argue as an argument can keep the passion alive" and the conversation moved on. Dipping and ebbing as conversations can; briefly touching on a topic before the natural flow moved you on. There's nothing wrong with that particularly if you've only just met someone and might not see them again. You can't fully commit to someone who just might be a passing moment in time. You quite rightly save your inner most feelings and thoughts for those people who will stay in your life. Who you feel are there for the long haul.
But as I went to bed that night I found myself thinking about what makes our marriage work. It's not as simple as one thing. Yes, we argue but not like we did in the earlier years. When we first met I had trust issues and needed constant reassurance that I was beautiful, that I was worthy of a man who loved me. That this man would accept that I came as three; Ben, Bex and me. Every time he went out without me I was convinced that he would meet someone prettier, younger, smarter and sexier, with no emotional baggage. Why on earth would such an attractive and caring man want to be with me? DickyB used to say that I had a brick wall erected around myself and the kids, that every time he thought he had made headway and knocked a few layers down something would happen and the wall would be built back thicker and higher than before.
I'm digressing though. What does make my marriage work. I'm not going to answer for anyone else as this is so personal. Your relationship, your rules!
With every relationship you will have your ups and downs, you take the good with the bad but only as long as you're growing together, that you're still on the same page. That you are, in fact the same people as you were when you first met. We are generally attracted to someone before we start to build up a friendship or emotional relationship; not always I know, but generally we look at someone and say "well hellooooo" in our heads. Hopefully not out loud because that could be really embarrassing... It doesn't always work that way, sometimes a friendship progresses into love and that can be a wonderful thing, to be in love with your best friend.
I do remember the first time I saw DickyB and I do remember the first time I met him again as a single mum. We had been friends in Saudi so had built up a friendship first and he felt safe when we met up in Dubai both on the right side of relationships that had gone wrong. Not safe in a comfort way but a safe 'I know you and the kids know you so I'm still within my comfort zone' safe. And I fancied him! I'd always thought he was attractive; that's ok, you don't stop admiring others because you're married or in a relationship. The world is full of beauty and we shouldn't be blind to it.
We do argue but it keeps the passion alive. He drives me nuts at times, as I do him. DickyB would sulk, I refuse to; I blow up and then giggle. Very infuriating for him. But he gets me like I get him. He knows me better than anyone because he lives with all of me. He truly gets the worst of me; the irrational, emotional me. But he gets the full heart of me, the heart that fights and cries, laughs and sees the best in life. And he still loves me even when I've pushed every button possible. As he's done with me. We know each other; I can read his voice on the phone, I can tell by his mouth set whether he's happy or sad; I know his happy hands and the hands that show his stress. At night we both know whenever one of us is awake and a hand will sneak across the bed just so you know you're not alone, no words necessary.
It's more than that though. We talk all the time. I find myself watching people when we go out and are saddened by how many couples just don't seem to communicate. We don't stop chatting, there's always something to say and to discuss. At times sensible, other times bordering on the ridiculous. And we laugh, all the time. We laugh with each other and at each other (in a nice way). We actually enjoy each other's company. He's one of my best friends. I love his company and look forward to him coming home from each day. We have the same dreams and hopes, the same beliefs and family values.
So what makes our marriage work?
Love... We really do love each other and can't imagine life alone. We actually like each other.
Respect... We respect each other and know that compromise is often the best way.
Humour... We laugh with each other everyday; we like to make each other laugh.
Values... Our beliefs and values complement each other's.
Family... The most important thing to both of us. Family First, every time.
And it's quite simple. I love him.