I've been doing really, really well recently. My fatigue is under control as long as I give myself one day to regroup each week and give allowance for late nights and parties! I don't need to sleep until 11am every morning and I don't wake up as tired as when I fell into my fitful sleep. My anxiety has been barely noticeable in the last few months. My weight has been controlled and I haven't had many fat days. All this is probably due to a gradual acceptance of my new me along with changes in my medication. Last Sunday was the 4th anniversary of my breast cancer surgery and I'm feeling better than I have for years. It's great and I love having more energy. There is a 'but' though...
It's been an emotional road with my mum and dealing with the sadness that comes with that. The stress of moving her from her own home and worrying about the transitional stage that she needs to go through. Then on top of that, wondering and stressing about how my sister might react to it all; never an easy person to handle at the best of times. And whilst doing this for my mum I'm packing up my home here in Dubai to move back home to England. This in itself has been an ongoing conversation between myself and DickyB for a few years. Cancer makes you realise that life is short and time spent with your loved ones is beyond precious. He's retiring early and we've needed to be absolutely sure that we can actually afford to stop work this young. It's not an easy decision to make trust me. Not for the greed of a continued salary but to make sure we have enough money to last until the time neither of us need it! (Yep, when I become a tree!)
So each individual thing on its own is stressful:
*Caring for an elderly relative
*Moving house
*Moving countries
*Retirement
So at the moment my anxiety levels are running fairly high. Poor sleep pattern, nightmares, migraines, and grumpiness. I'm trying not to be grumpy but I am and so is DickyB. And I've got to the point where I just need this all finished. The packers gone, new house finalised, mum totally settled, and to put my life back together here. Yes, I know it's only for a few weeks but I'm not good at living in limbo. I need my routine and constants around me. Once the anxiety settles in then the fatigue rears its ugly head; and so the vicious circle begins again. This time though I know that most of it will abate sooner rather than later. That it's something I've overcome before and will do again. I hold the tears back because I'm aware that they're just tears of exhaustion and I refuse to let them dictate my start to each day.
I'm not telling you this to get a sympathy vote, I'm telling you so that you know it's normal to go through periods of anxiety. That it's normal to suffer from stress at different times in your life. And the thing to remember is that we each have different trigger factors. There might be a situation that causes you to feel anxious and have sleepless nights, but that another person might be absolutely fine with handling. I tend to sweat the small stuff and the big stuff I can deal with better. Yes, I'm anxious this week but I'm not going to fall apart and grind to a halt. But at the moment whilst I am anxious if someone carves me up when I'm driving then they're more likely to receive an angry tirade and horn blowing reaction than at another time where I'll just smile politely while swearing in my head at them. A polite, silent 'idiot' might pop into my head. I will scream and leg it from a room faster than Hussein Bolt on speed if a spider dares enter my space. Cockroaches? Not too bad to be honest. Not a fan but my heart won't burst into palpitations. Trust me, the fear and anxiety for spiders is a very real one.
So, your anxiety trigger is different from that person sitting next to you on the bus, than your mother's, best friend's and the cashier in your supermarket. We have no idea what they're living through at that moment in time when the anxiety washed over them causing them to pause mid-activity to take a deep breath and reminds themselves that they 'can do this'. So try and remember when you can't sleep at night and the anxiety threatens to blow up into full panic that you aren't alone. That there is always sunshine in the morning. Anxiety is a normal flux that most of us experience during our lives.
So today my anxiety has abated. The container has arrived and this stage of my journey home is nearly at an end. And breathe.
It's been an emotional road with my mum and dealing with the sadness that comes with that. The stress of moving her from her own home and worrying about the transitional stage that she needs to go through. Then on top of that, wondering and stressing about how my sister might react to it all; never an easy person to handle at the best of times. And whilst doing this for my mum I'm packing up my home here in Dubai to move back home to England. This in itself has been an ongoing conversation between myself and DickyB for a few years. Cancer makes you realise that life is short and time spent with your loved ones is beyond precious. He's retiring early and we've needed to be absolutely sure that we can actually afford to stop work this young. It's not an easy decision to make trust me. Not for the greed of a continued salary but to make sure we have enough money to last until the time neither of us need it! (Yep, when I become a tree!)
So each individual thing on its own is stressful:
*Caring for an elderly relative
*Moving house
*Moving countries
*Retirement
So at the moment my anxiety levels are running fairly high. Poor sleep pattern, nightmares, migraines, and grumpiness. I'm trying not to be grumpy but I am and so is DickyB. And I've got to the point where I just need this all finished. The packers gone, new house finalised, mum totally settled, and to put my life back together here. Yes, I know it's only for a few weeks but I'm not good at living in limbo. I need my routine and constants around me. Once the anxiety settles in then the fatigue rears its ugly head; and so the vicious circle begins again. This time though I know that most of it will abate sooner rather than later. That it's something I've overcome before and will do again. I hold the tears back because I'm aware that they're just tears of exhaustion and I refuse to let them dictate my start to each day.
I'm not telling you this to get a sympathy vote, I'm telling you so that you know it's normal to go through periods of anxiety. That it's normal to suffer from stress at different times in your life. And the thing to remember is that we each have different trigger factors. There might be a situation that causes you to feel anxious and have sleepless nights, but that another person might be absolutely fine with handling. I tend to sweat the small stuff and the big stuff I can deal with better. Yes, I'm anxious this week but I'm not going to fall apart and grind to a halt. But at the moment whilst I am anxious if someone carves me up when I'm driving then they're more likely to receive an angry tirade and horn blowing reaction than at another time where I'll just smile politely while swearing in my head at them. A polite, silent 'idiot' might pop into my head. I will scream and leg it from a room faster than Hussein Bolt on speed if a spider dares enter my space. Cockroaches? Not too bad to be honest. Not a fan but my heart won't burst into palpitations. Trust me, the fear and anxiety for spiders is a very real one.
So, your anxiety trigger is different from that person sitting next to you on the bus, than your mother's, best friend's and the cashier in your supermarket. We have no idea what they're living through at that moment in time when the anxiety washed over them causing them to pause mid-activity to take a deep breath and reminds themselves that they 'can do this'. So try and remember when you can't sleep at night and the anxiety threatens to blow up into full panic that you aren't alone. That there is always sunshine in the morning. Anxiety is a normal flux that most of us experience during our lives.
So today my anxiety has abated. The container has arrived and this stage of my journey home is nearly at an end. And breathe.