But I have returned with a new mindset on my health and fitness. I realised that for all I still get tired, I was able to do much more walking this trip and kept going for the full six weeks. So if I was able to walk around London everyday and the other places I've visited then there's no reason why I can't get back onto the treadmill. Today is my third day back pounding away and I feel, mentally, much better for it. I knew I had to get fit but fighting such deep fatigue had really held me back and it had led to a slightly defeatist attitude towards the gym; why bother if I can't do a full hour anymore, why bother if the weekly two hours is not achievable. Without really realising it I'd given in to my fatigue. But a change of meds and the little thing of surgery have obviously suited me. I feel better than I have in three years. Happy days.
I'm older and wiser though. This time I'm starting off slowly and only doing thirty minutes each day, Jayne in two weeks I'll go up to forty minutes but I have no intention of pushing myself too hard too soon because that will only lead to failure and then I'll be fed up with myself again. I listen to music that forces me into a fast pace that won't let me slow down. The Foo Fighters, Paul Weller, The Killers and of course, Asking Alexandria. With these musicians thumping away in my head the thirty minutes is passing really quickly. I'm building up a sweat and feeling good about myself. There's still a long way to go. I know I won't see or feel any real benefit for at least eight weeks and it'll take another month after that before it'll be noticeable to others, but I don't care, I'm doing this for me.
On top of the gym I've just completed a four day detox. Very necessary after eating and drinking my way around England with family and friends. Don't get me wrong I wasn't binge eating but many days there were three meals a day. Not my usual fruit and hummus and homemade soups. So this week was quite a shock to my system but actually a very welcome one. I thought I'd be starving, I thought I'd miss a glass of wine; no, not at all. I am looking forward to seeing friends for dinner tonight but I'm very aware that I don't want to harm my hard work. Sadly, since my change in meds and my surgery my body is very susceptible to putting on weight. I'm not as young as I was and my metabolism has definitely slowed down.
It's been the best feeling though; just getting back from the gym and knowing that I've done something for myself! I used to be such a gym bunny and I'm hoping that I'll be that way again by the New Year. That's my goal and I think it's achievable. At the moment I'm still looking at the scales but I know from experience that the fitter I become the less I'll care about those dreaded kilograms, that they won't matter because, hopefully, the wobbly bits will be firmer and more toned and my health will be greatly increased. I'd like to say it was having cancer that made me want to be fitter but it was actually a few years before my cancer that I got fit. I'm vain enough to want to look great at 50 and it's my 49th birthday soon; I have a year to get back on track, and I'm pretty determined to do it.
I won't get disheartened if I have a bad day with food or exercise. I won't give up on myself. I will just shrug it off, give myself a pep talk and carry on where I left off. I know I'm not perfect and it won't be easy, I know I will get despondent at times but I am so determined to do this. I want it.
The great thing is that DickyB has joined me in this. He's been going to the gym at 6:30am every day before work and I put him on the detox with me. Although I've allowed him ice cream some evenings as I know he finds it much harder giving up his carbohydrates than I do. There's this whole thing about women looking good as they get older to keep their partners happy. It's just as important the other way round. I don't want a weeble or an unhealthy husband. We have plans for his retirement and we both need to be healthy enough to enjoy it, not just me!
He's my downfall though.... 'Its the weekend" Well, I don't care if it is the weekend I'm not going to undo all of the good I've done. I might have only done three days in the gym, but it's a start. We all have to start somewhere and I'm starting right here.