The 27th December saw me waking up with mixed emotions. I was leaving my lovely mum and beautiful Bex to fly to the US to see my beautiful Ben. Goodbyes are horrible, I hate them and the week has passed so quickly; Christmas always does. On the other hand though, I'd only seen Ben for a grand total of four hours last year and I was desperate to see him. Luckily I manage to see plenty of Bex throughout the year which tops me up but Ben is far away and all over the place, not so easy.
Bex was staying with mum until her regular carer arrived at lunchtime so she wasn't abandoned all at once. I hate it when she stands at the gate waving goodbye and then has to go into an empty house so this was a nicer way for us all to say goodbye. I'm always stressy when I have to say goodbye and this time was no different really; I was on crutches having pulled all the ligaments in my foot and in my wisdom I actually packed my boots and didn't realise until the taxi was loaded and I went to put them on!! Oops, a blonde moment.
Arriving in Phoenix after an eleven hour flight and seeing Ben standing there waiting was one of the most amazing feelings ever. Just seeing him was enough. Even though I was wheelchaired through passport control really quickly we waited for over an hour for the luggage to come through. The wait was interminable, knowing Ben was outside waiting and all I wanted was to see him and have a hug. Then there he was, tall and lanky, grinning his head off. Seemingly as pleased to see me as I was him. Happy days. You know, seeing your kids is the best feeling in the world. Just makes my heart explode, it's indescribable. I love the fact that they are both independent and living their own lives, but it doesn't stop me from missing them and thinking about them. So seeing that grinning, ugly mug was the best!
I needed to see Ben in his home, away from tour and his work life. It's a very different place to be, the place where I want him to relax and be able to be himself. Not that he's much different; Ben is Ben through and through! Obviously Ben has been through a lot over the last twelve months; times when I've wanted to jump on a plane and just be there for him, which of course was not only impossible but unfeasible also. So seeing him for more than a few hours would give me an insight into how he really is doing. Both my kids always tell me they are fine no matter what they are going through; luckily I know them well enough to see through that when necessary.
We set off for Arizona expecting to play tourist but the reality was that we spent 6 days talking and just hanging out together. We explored his local area, visited the restaurants he enjoys, found an Irish bar, shopped for his new home. Nothing at all exciting but very exciting at the same time; just normal everyday things. And it was amazing. I loved it. Just sitting watching tv with him, catching up with our lives, our hopes and our fears. Listening to his dreams for this year. A year that he is finally looking forward to after the heartache of the last twelve months. And seeing that his smile is back and genuine. That he is deservedly happy. I can't explain how that makes me feel. Truly indescribable.
Now this boy of mine is pretty nocturnal but unfortunately for him, I'm not! Adding jet lag to the equation I was wide awake hours before him. I would use the mornings to tidy up and clean (not that I needed to as his home is fairly clean and tidy for the male of species!). It's a mum thing. I couldn't not do it. Then at about 11:30/12 I would start knocking on his bedroom door, texting him, demanding coffee and breakfast! Within half an hour a bedraggled and fuzzy Ben would saunter out of his room with the cheeky smile on his face and my time with him could start. He makes the best breakfast sandwich; bacon, egg and cheese in a crumpet or bagel. Yummy. I could get used to that start to the morning; thank you for my breakfasts Ben. Sitting chatting over a couple of coffees and planning the day is such a great start. We did plan trips but as each day started off so lazily these trips have been postponed to a future visit, of which I know there will be plenty.
The great thing is that I can now envisage where he his. I can see him in his home, I know where he shops, I know his haunts. It's great. There's a link there that we had been missing. I wish life made it easier to see more of him but for now I will hold onto these memories of our week together. They help fill the hole in my heart that is always a bit empty, missing my children. His smile is etched on my heart, along with Bex's. The "I love you's" that I got to say everyday to his face and hear them returned. The hugs, the smiles, the laughter. All these will sustain me until I see him again. A countdown that I don't have as of yet, although it's my year to have him for Christmas. A countdown of sorts but too far away for this mum.
For now, I will continue to love and support him from afar. I shall miss him as I always do. But Ben, this is your year. You deserve all the happiness in the world. You deserve to let your heart heal. I believe in you babes.
Bex was staying with mum until her regular carer arrived at lunchtime so she wasn't abandoned all at once. I hate it when she stands at the gate waving goodbye and then has to go into an empty house so this was a nicer way for us all to say goodbye. I'm always stressy when I have to say goodbye and this time was no different really; I was on crutches having pulled all the ligaments in my foot and in my wisdom I actually packed my boots and didn't realise until the taxi was loaded and I went to put them on!! Oops, a blonde moment.
Arriving in Phoenix after an eleven hour flight and seeing Ben standing there waiting was one of the most amazing feelings ever. Just seeing him was enough. Even though I was wheelchaired through passport control really quickly we waited for over an hour for the luggage to come through. The wait was interminable, knowing Ben was outside waiting and all I wanted was to see him and have a hug. Then there he was, tall and lanky, grinning his head off. Seemingly as pleased to see me as I was him. Happy days. You know, seeing your kids is the best feeling in the world. Just makes my heart explode, it's indescribable. I love the fact that they are both independent and living their own lives, but it doesn't stop me from missing them and thinking about them. So seeing that grinning, ugly mug was the best!
I needed to see Ben in his home, away from tour and his work life. It's a very different place to be, the place where I want him to relax and be able to be himself. Not that he's much different; Ben is Ben through and through! Obviously Ben has been through a lot over the last twelve months; times when I've wanted to jump on a plane and just be there for him, which of course was not only impossible but unfeasible also. So seeing him for more than a few hours would give me an insight into how he really is doing. Both my kids always tell me they are fine no matter what they are going through; luckily I know them well enough to see through that when necessary.
We set off for Arizona expecting to play tourist but the reality was that we spent 6 days talking and just hanging out together. We explored his local area, visited the restaurants he enjoys, found an Irish bar, shopped for his new home. Nothing at all exciting but very exciting at the same time; just normal everyday things. And it was amazing. I loved it. Just sitting watching tv with him, catching up with our lives, our hopes and our fears. Listening to his dreams for this year. A year that he is finally looking forward to after the heartache of the last twelve months. And seeing that his smile is back and genuine. That he is deservedly happy. I can't explain how that makes me feel. Truly indescribable.
Now this boy of mine is pretty nocturnal but unfortunately for him, I'm not! Adding jet lag to the equation I was wide awake hours before him. I would use the mornings to tidy up and clean (not that I needed to as his home is fairly clean and tidy for the male of species!). It's a mum thing. I couldn't not do it. Then at about 11:30/12 I would start knocking on his bedroom door, texting him, demanding coffee and breakfast! Within half an hour a bedraggled and fuzzy Ben would saunter out of his room with the cheeky smile on his face and my time with him could start. He makes the best breakfast sandwich; bacon, egg and cheese in a crumpet or bagel. Yummy. I could get used to that start to the morning; thank you for my breakfasts Ben. Sitting chatting over a couple of coffees and planning the day is such a great start. We did plan trips but as each day started off so lazily these trips have been postponed to a future visit, of which I know there will be plenty.
The great thing is that I can now envisage where he his. I can see him in his home, I know where he shops, I know his haunts. It's great. There's a link there that we had been missing. I wish life made it easier to see more of him but for now I will hold onto these memories of our week together. They help fill the hole in my heart that is always a bit empty, missing my children. His smile is etched on my heart, along with Bex's. The "I love you's" that I got to say everyday to his face and hear them returned. The hugs, the smiles, the laughter. All these will sustain me until I see him again. A countdown that I don't have as of yet, although it's my year to have him for Christmas. A countdown of sorts but too far away for this mum.
For now, I will continue to love and support him from afar. I shall miss him as I always do. But Ben, this is your year. You deserve all the happiness in the world. You deserve to let your heart heal. I believe in you babes.