I was home for Christmas, in England, ready for a family Christmas with my beautiful children and was beyond excited...
But...
I have a deep inner sadness. The obvious one is that I miss my dad. Christmas is a time when I think our loss of loved ones is felt more deeply. It's family time and we will always be aware of the empty seats at the table.
The other sadness that I try not to show to people, is the loss of my mum. Don't get me wrong, she's still alive and kicking; completely bonkers, but very much here with us. Due to my sister having descended into a 'woe is me' world, I'm unable to share my lovely mum for the holidays. We were renting a holiday cottage close to my uncle and aunt, my mum's sister; my son and his wife were flying in from the US, and my daughter was joining us too. We were having a family Christmas. It was going to be amazing. I really wanted my mum to be part of it, but she's too scared to tell my sister that we were all there.
We all have our heartaches, the best of us, the worst of us. It strengthens us, makes us hopefully, better and more compassionate people. So, I truly hoped my lovely mum was going to have an amazing Christmas with my sister. That they would find their festive spirit. After all it's a time to be happy and rejoice. A time for the love we feel for each other to actually be seen and felt.
It's my favourite time of year. Not for the gifts I get; don't get me wrong, I love receiving presents. But more than that, I love giving presents to my family. It's my way of showering them with all the love I carry inside. A physical, actual, you can see it, love! They know I love them. Actually, scrap that, they know I adore them! Every year I say I'm going to cut down, but as I start shopping, I always, inevitably get carried away and buy more than I mean to. I love it... My lovely hubbies bank balance must hate it. It's partly because I don't see much of my children as we all live in different countries. I can't just take them out and treat them.
Decorating the house, planning the meals. The glow of the Christmas lights and the smell of a real Christmas tree. I love sitting around and watching cheesy Christmas films. Laughing and talking. It's about being together. I love it. Mulled wine is the essence of Christmas. Just the smell is amazing. It's Christmas in a glass. The smell of the roast turkey and roast potatoes literally summons up memories of Christmas past.
Every year, since they be been babies, I've bought my children Christmas pyjamas. They get them on Christmas Eve. And now my daughter buys me Christmas pj's. The second Christmas my daughter in law spent with us, she bought her Christmas pj's with her, she didn't realise it was a family tradition. Christmas Eve pjs, watching The Polar Express drinking mulled wine and hot chocolate. It has to be done!!
Christmas Day morning as changed from younger kids bouncing into the bedroom at some ungodly hour, it's now text messages on the group chat, between my children, nudging me to wake up! This year, culminating in a text from my 26 year old son saying his stocking has an expiry date!!! Hahaha!!
So, we open our stockings all together, in our Christmas pjs, have breakfast and then open our presents. No one gets showered and dressed until lunch time. It's lovely, relaxed and amazing. A time to cherish all the love that is overflowing from all of us. A special time. One that I'm struggling to describe.
Because my family is spread far and wide we are unable to spend every Christmas together. Quite rightly, my son and his wife need to spend Christmas with her family. I can't keep them every year. So, we share. I remember the first year Ben called to say he was spending Christmas with Sam and her family. I was devastated. I couldn't imagine us not being together. My son had moved to America and I didn't see him much. Now, I wasn't going to see him at Christmas. How could he do this to me. He knew what Christmas meant to me for our family. And I cried and wailed. Until he calmly told me that it wasn't about when we saw each other that mattered, it was actually seeing each other that mattered; spending family time mattered. He said that it was always Christmas no matter when we were together. When did my son become so wise? Had I been a part of that? I'd like to think so.
But he's absolutely right. Everyday is Christmas Day when I'm with my beautiful, amazing family. Thank you for that piece of wisdom.
But...
I have a deep inner sadness. The obvious one is that I miss my dad. Christmas is a time when I think our loss of loved ones is felt more deeply. It's family time and we will always be aware of the empty seats at the table.
The other sadness that I try not to show to people, is the loss of my mum. Don't get me wrong, she's still alive and kicking; completely bonkers, but very much here with us. Due to my sister having descended into a 'woe is me' world, I'm unable to share my lovely mum for the holidays. We were renting a holiday cottage close to my uncle and aunt, my mum's sister; my son and his wife were flying in from the US, and my daughter was joining us too. We were having a family Christmas. It was going to be amazing. I really wanted my mum to be part of it, but she's too scared to tell my sister that we were all there.
We all have our heartaches, the best of us, the worst of us. It strengthens us, makes us hopefully, better and more compassionate people. So, I truly hoped my lovely mum was going to have an amazing Christmas with my sister. That they would find their festive spirit. After all it's a time to be happy and rejoice. A time for the love we feel for each other to actually be seen and felt.
It's my favourite time of year. Not for the gifts I get; don't get me wrong, I love receiving presents. But more than that, I love giving presents to my family. It's my way of showering them with all the love I carry inside. A physical, actual, you can see it, love! They know I love them. Actually, scrap that, they know I adore them! Every year I say I'm going to cut down, but as I start shopping, I always, inevitably get carried away and buy more than I mean to. I love it... My lovely hubbies bank balance must hate it. It's partly because I don't see much of my children as we all live in different countries. I can't just take them out and treat them.
Decorating the house, planning the meals. The glow of the Christmas lights and the smell of a real Christmas tree. I love sitting around and watching cheesy Christmas films. Laughing and talking. It's about being together. I love it. Mulled wine is the essence of Christmas. Just the smell is amazing. It's Christmas in a glass. The smell of the roast turkey and roast potatoes literally summons up memories of Christmas past.
Every year, since they be been babies, I've bought my children Christmas pyjamas. They get them on Christmas Eve. And now my daughter buys me Christmas pj's. The second Christmas my daughter in law spent with us, she bought her Christmas pj's with her, she didn't realise it was a family tradition. Christmas Eve pjs, watching The Polar Express drinking mulled wine and hot chocolate. It has to be done!!
Christmas Day morning as changed from younger kids bouncing into the bedroom at some ungodly hour, it's now text messages on the group chat, between my children, nudging me to wake up! This year, culminating in a text from my 26 year old son saying his stocking has an expiry date!!! Hahaha!!
So, we open our stockings all together, in our Christmas pjs, have breakfast and then open our presents. No one gets showered and dressed until lunch time. It's lovely, relaxed and amazing. A time to cherish all the love that is overflowing from all of us. A special time. One that I'm struggling to describe.
Because my family is spread far and wide we are unable to spend every Christmas together. Quite rightly, my son and his wife need to spend Christmas with her family. I can't keep them every year. So, we share. I remember the first year Ben called to say he was spending Christmas with Sam and her family. I was devastated. I couldn't imagine us not being together. My son had moved to America and I didn't see him much. Now, I wasn't going to see him at Christmas. How could he do this to me. He knew what Christmas meant to me for our family. And I cried and wailed. Until he calmly told me that it wasn't about when we saw each other that mattered, it was actually seeing each other that mattered; spending family time mattered. He said that it was always Christmas no matter when we were together. When did my son become so wise? Had I been a part of that? I'd like to think so.
But he's absolutely right. Everyday is Christmas Day when I'm with my beautiful, amazing family. Thank you for that piece of wisdom.