(I wrote this blog 2 weeks ago as I was enroute to the UK. So please bear with me as I've written it in the present tense.)
So here I am, sitting in Dubai Airport waiting to go home. Normally I'm silly excited but this trip isn't a jolly, it's not for fun. I'm moving my beautiful mum into a care home and it's breaking my heart.
As you may or may not know, mum has Alzheimer's and has had part time care at home for nearly two years; in December we had to increase this to full time and to be honest it's not financially viable for the long term. But that's not why I'm moving her now. We had hoped that she could stay in her own home until the summer, but a number of things have prompted this move.
In January my sister instigated a family meeting with mum saying that a decision had to be made regarding where mum would move to when the time came that she could no longer live at home. So after four hours of conversation mum made her choice as to where she would like to be. The problem with dementia and Alzheimer's is that these conversations get lost in the fog and each time you mention anything you have to patiently explain the whole process again. Which is fine because once you trigger her memory mum does remember and feels ok about things again. She does, sadly, go through the worry of wondering why things are happening until you do have the chat. It must be a terrible way to live and I know she feels insecure a lot of the time.
The next reason for making the move now is that mum is starting to wander around at night and on a couple of occasions has wanted to go outside; thank God for the 24 hour care. This was worrying and prompted me to bring forward her move. To be honest, once I suggested to the carers that they allowed mum to stay up until 10:30-11pm rather than them putting her to bed at 9pm, then the night wandering seemed to cease. Funny that!! Dementia patients only require between 5 and 6 hours sleep, often spread out over 24 hrs so if you put mum to bed at 9pm of course she's going to be up 3am! And although this issue has been resolved for now, it was a reminder that sadly, whether I like it or not, mum is going to deteriorate.
For all mum forgets most things that have happened or have been arranged, she is aware of who she is, who we are, and where she is, so it's much kinder to allow mum to be a part of any decisions made regarding her care whilst she is still able. How scary must it be to have your life taken out of your hands and you're unable to comprehend what is happening? This way, for all mum might not completely be happy with the move, she is aware of why we need to make this change. And I honestly believe that within a few weeks she will love her new life. Mum loves company and if you take her out she will happily chat to anyone and everyone. In fact I'm pretty sure that there are many random people that know my life history! The carers have been a Godsend but they change every two weeks which is quite stressful for an elderly person as they love their routine.
Anyway, completely by chance when I was last home, my lovely Aunty mentioned a care home that a friend of hers had used for her mother, so I decided to visit it on the off chance. I didn't make an appointment as its much easier to get a feel for a place if they aren't expecting you. As soon as I walked in I loved the feel of it; warm and welcoming. We were shown around and it just felt right. A few weeks later, my Aunty went to see it too and liked it just as much. So an assessment has been booked for Thursday. It feels so rushed whereas we have been discussing mum's future for many months, always including her in the process, and this home has a room available at the moment.
And this is where I am right now, sitting waiting to board my flight and take mum for her assessment. Surely, they'll love her as much as I do and see that she's a perfect addition to their elderly family. Surely, they won't think that she needs to be in an Alzheimer's unit. And surely mum will love the home as much as I did.
I have spent the week in tears. Every morning as I've awoken I found myself crying. My emotions are all over the place. The logically nursing brain can list all the reasons why this is the right thing to do and why it needs to be now. The daughter in me hates acknowledging that my mother is deteriorating. I feel I should have her at home with me (obviously not at all feasible for more than one reason) and that I'm letting her down. So I cry. I cry for my beautiful mum, I cry for the loss of my dad, I cry for future that will be that bit sadder without them both when that day comes. It's such a tough time for us all but I have to do what's best for mum and this move is just that, it's the best thing for her. It's going to be hard for her to leave her home and friends, it's going to be hard for her to adjust to a new life and a new routine. Of course it is, don't we all find change a bit daunting and unsettling whether we want it or not. And this week I'm introducing mum to her new life. Fingers crossed they'll accept her, I can't see why not.
So dad if you're 'around' please know I'm doing this for all the right reasons; of course I'll send you a new address card for you to still visit mum!
Here's to an end of an era and new beginnings.
PS. Mum is in her new home and is very happy. She loves the company and security. Although she feels lonely at times this is only natural because as of yet the staff and other residents aren't familiar to her. We had a laugh when I told her that she would make many new friends... everyday!!! All the staff and residents have welcomed her with open arms which is lovely. Bex and I worked hard to make her room feel like home with her own pictures and photos up on the walls, her own bedding and towels. Her favourite chair and footstool are there and a few ornaments; everything that she asked for. I fly home in 5 weeks time but for now my beautiful Bex and lovely uncle and aunt are visiting mum as much as they can. So I can breathe more easily now; we did make the right decision and found mum a lovely new home.
So here I am, sitting in Dubai Airport waiting to go home. Normally I'm silly excited but this trip isn't a jolly, it's not for fun. I'm moving my beautiful mum into a care home and it's breaking my heart.
As you may or may not know, mum has Alzheimer's and has had part time care at home for nearly two years; in December we had to increase this to full time and to be honest it's not financially viable for the long term. But that's not why I'm moving her now. We had hoped that she could stay in her own home until the summer, but a number of things have prompted this move.
In January my sister instigated a family meeting with mum saying that a decision had to be made regarding where mum would move to when the time came that she could no longer live at home. So after four hours of conversation mum made her choice as to where she would like to be. The problem with dementia and Alzheimer's is that these conversations get lost in the fog and each time you mention anything you have to patiently explain the whole process again. Which is fine because once you trigger her memory mum does remember and feels ok about things again. She does, sadly, go through the worry of wondering why things are happening until you do have the chat. It must be a terrible way to live and I know she feels insecure a lot of the time.
The next reason for making the move now is that mum is starting to wander around at night and on a couple of occasions has wanted to go outside; thank God for the 24 hour care. This was worrying and prompted me to bring forward her move. To be honest, once I suggested to the carers that they allowed mum to stay up until 10:30-11pm rather than them putting her to bed at 9pm, then the night wandering seemed to cease. Funny that!! Dementia patients only require between 5 and 6 hours sleep, often spread out over 24 hrs so if you put mum to bed at 9pm of course she's going to be up 3am! And although this issue has been resolved for now, it was a reminder that sadly, whether I like it or not, mum is going to deteriorate.
For all mum forgets most things that have happened or have been arranged, she is aware of who she is, who we are, and where she is, so it's much kinder to allow mum to be a part of any decisions made regarding her care whilst she is still able. How scary must it be to have your life taken out of your hands and you're unable to comprehend what is happening? This way, for all mum might not completely be happy with the move, she is aware of why we need to make this change. And I honestly believe that within a few weeks she will love her new life. Mum loves company and if you take her out she will happily chat to anyone and everyone. In fact I'm pretty sure that there are many random people that know my life history! The carers have been a Godsend but they change every two weeks which is quite stressful for an elderly person as they love their routine.
Anyway, completely by chance when I was last home, my lovely Aunty mentioned a care home that a friend of hers had used for her mother, so I decided to visit it on the off chance. I didn't make an appointment as its much easier to get a feel for a place if they aren't expecting you. As soon as I walked in I loved the feel of it; warm and welcoming. We were shown around and it just felt right. A few weeks later, my Aunty went to see it too and liked it just as much. So an assessment has been booked for Thursday. It feels so rushed whereas we have been discussing mum's future for many months, always including her in the process, and this home has a room available at the moment.
And this is where I am right now, sitting waiting to board my flight and take mum for her assessment. Surely, they'll love her as much as I do and see that she's a perfect addition to their elderly family. Surely, they won't think that she needs to be in an Alzheimer's unit. And surely mum will love the home as much as I did.
I have spent the week in tears. Every morning as I've awoken I found myself crying. My emotions are all over the place. The logically nursing brain can list all the reasons why this is the right thing to do and why it needs to be now. The daughter in me hates acknowledging that my mother is deteriorating. I feel I should have her at home with me (obviously not at all feasible for more than one reason) and that I'm letting her down. So I cry. I cry for my beautiful mum, I cry for the loss of my dad, I cry for future that will be that bit sadder without them both when that day comes. It's such a tough time for us all but I have to do what's best for mum and this move is just that, it's the best thing for her. It's going to be hard for her to leave her home and friends, it's going to be hard for her to adjust to a new life and a new routine. Of course it is, don't we all find change a bit daunting and unsettling whether we want it or not. And this week I'm introducing mum to her new life. Fingers crossed they'll accept her, I can't see why not.
So dad if you're 'around' please know I'm doing this for all the right reasons; of course I'll send you a new address card for you to still visit mum!
Here's to an end of an era and new beginnings.
PS. Mum is in her new home and is very happy. She loves the company and security. Although she feels lonely at times this is only natural because as of yet the staff and other residents aren't familiar to her. We had a laugh when I told her that she would make many new friends... everyday!!! All the staff and residents have welcomed her with open arms which is lovely. Bex and I worked hard to make her room feel like home with her own pictures and photos up on the walls, her own bedding and towels. Her favourite chair and footstool are there and a few ornaments; everything that she asked for. I fly home in 5 weeks time but for now my beautiful Bex and lovely uncle and aunt are visiting mum as much as they can. So I can breathe more easily now; we did make the right decision and found mum a lovely new home.