My last blog was about my 'last' Christmas with mum due to her Alzheimer's and this brought to mind how little we know about our parents. The people they were other than being our parents.
When I was teaching, if I met one of my little students outside school they were so surprised and a bit put out. Obviously to them I existed only in the classroom and even though I would talk about Ben and Bex who would come in to visit my class, the thought of me having a life outside of their school was incomprehensible. It's the same with our parents. They had a childhood and young adult life way before we were even a passing thought. They did in fact break the rules and party too hard, disobey their own parents and push the boundaries.
By the time we realise this it's often too late for us to take the time to get to know the other side of them, the side that isn't cleaning up after us, helping with homework, resolving sibling disputes. That they are real people, not just parents. And this is where, I think, the role of being a grandparent comes in. Whilst your own parents are busy parenting we have access to a fountain of knowledge. Not only can grandparents tell you about your mum or dad when they were young, they can also tell you about their own childhood. This is knowledge that fills in the missing pieces of our own personal puzzle. All these experiences that our grandparents and parents have had actually mould who we are as it will be a part of their own parenting. I have definitely learnt from my own parents; some things I have continued, some things I've changed to fit in with both my own style of parenting and my children's personalities.
As I listen to my mum, most of the things she talks about are things and people who were a part of her childhood. She will show me photos of her parents and her sister, of herself and other family members, all old black and white photos from when she was little. Photos of my grandparents of whom I can't recognise as those young vibrant people. I love it, it fascinates me. All that history just waiting to be passed on and yet so many young people are too busy to sit with their grandparents. Too busy forging their own mark within the family and their friends, too busy thinking that being with an elderly relative is boring and tedious, that they should be out with friends, catching up on social media and be anywhere other than at home with parents and grandparents. And in a way that's ok, it's how it is. We need to let our children learn the art of socialising and give them the ability to grow and mature, finding out for themselves who they actually are or would like to be.
But let's not forget our elderly. They too deserve to socialise and continue to feel needed. They need to feel loved and of interest to the younger generation within their family.
My beautiful mum has had to progress from part time care to 24 hour live in care. Something we can't actually afford to maintain for too long as it's hellishly expensive. She's had a few scares and we've had to call the emergency services out to her, and that's not fair on her. Imagine sitting on the floor unable to get up, you can hear the doorbell ringing and the phone, you can hear everyone trying to get in to you but you're not able to shout loud enough to be heard; you have no idea how long you've been on the floor and whether you had a seizure or not. That was when I decided that something had to be done.
It's the hardest thing in the world and I can't help but feel I'm letting mum down. I know I'm not but this is hard. A reminder that this beautiful, vibrant lady has a long past and a shorter future. A reminder that I don't know enough about who she was; as I didn't know enough about who my dad was.
And at this moment in time I've reached a brick wall. Tears are a daily occurrence, they just start from nowhere and I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that it's all ok, I'm doing my best. I'm so physically and emotionally tired but it's not surprising really. I've travelled so much in the last few months and have so many emotions within me. It's so hard watching dementia steal my beautiful mum but I'm blessed with my incredible family who not only are working with me as a team to help plan and move mum's care forward but are also there, surrounding me with their love and support. They all know how difficult this is for me as mum is also a sister and a grandma, this affects us all.Together we are working to make this final change as smooth as possible for mum. The very least I can do is to take care of mum as she used to take care of me. After my dad died I remember my counsellor saying that he didn't have to suffer the indignity of growing old, which would have been so hard for such a proud, charismatic gentleman; but now I listen to my mum saying she's lived too long and this breaks my heart. Of course I know she doesn't mean it but she's still aware of what's going on, it's just that she forgets and becomes confused.
And today when I called her she remembered the plans for her new life and although she accepts it, really doesn't want it to happen. Why should she? It's a reminder that she is old and has become more frail each day; a reminder that her time is shorter upon this earth. She's having to give up her independence and rely upon others to help her with day to day living, and for someone who has been used to being in charge and telling others what to do, this is not an easy transition. So today she was a bit grumpy; I would be too!
How I wish I could go back even a few years and sit down with both my parents. Ask them to tell me the story of how they fell in love and how dad proposed. What they did that really got them in trouble as a child and who their best friends were. Ask what their favourite memories were and what they were passionate about. We have the old photos that I will sit and go through but I won't have mum or dad there to talk me through each one; I shall only be able to wonder about the day that snapshot of their life was taken. To guess who some of the people are and marvel over the youth of the faces I recognise.
So take the time to get to know your parents and grandparents, the family members that you love so dearly, for regrets come around too soon and this time with them cannot be brought back. Don't hate yourself if you're too late because you are living life as your parents would want you to. Just don't forget them in your rush to grow up and be an adult. Their time and emotions are as important as yours, maybe more so because without them where would you be?
So here's to my mum and dad. Two beautiful vibrant people who danced the night away and partied till the sun came up. Here's to my mum, who loves my company as I love hers. Whose time I cherish. Who loved me and nurtured my children. Who taught me how to be me. Thank you. I love you.
When I was teaching, if I met one of my little students outside school they were so surprised and a bit put out. Obviously to them I existed only in the classroom and even though I would talk about Ben and Bex who would come in to visit my class, the thought of me having a life outside of their school was incomprehensible. It's the same with our parents. They had a childhood and young adult life way before we were even a passing thought. They did in fact break the rules and party too hard, disobey their own parents and push the boundaries.
By the time we realise this it's often too late for us to take the time to get to know the other side of them, the side that isn't cleaning up after us, helping with homework, resolving sibling disputes. That they are real people, not just parents. And this is where, I think, the role of being a grandparent comes in. Whilst your own parents are busy parenting we have access to a fountain of knowledge. Not only can grandparents tell you about your mum or dad when they were young, they can also tell you about their own childhood. This is knowledge that fills in the missing pieces of our own personal puzzle. All these experiences that our grandparents and parents have had actually mould who we are as it will be a part of their own parenting. I have definitely learnt from my own parents; some things I have continued, some things I've changed to fit in with both my own style of parenting and my children's personalities.
As I listen to my mum, most of the things she talks about are things and people who were a part of her childhood. She will show me photos of her parents and her sister, of herself and other family members, all old black and white photos from when she was little. Photos of my grandparents of whom I can't recognise as those young vibrant people. I love it, it fascinates me. All that history just waiting to be passed on and yet so many young people are too busy to sit with their grandparents. Too busy forging their own mark within the family and their friends, too busy thinking that being with an elderly relative is boring and tedious, that they should be out with friends, catching up on social media and be anywhere other than at home with parents and grandparents. And in a way that's ok, it's how it is. We need to let our children learn the art of socialising and give them the ability to grow and mature, finding out for themselves who they actually are or would like to be.
But let's not forget our elderly. They too deserve to socialise and continue to feel needed. They need to feel loved and of interest to the younger generation within their family.
My beautiful mum has had to progress from part time care to 24 hour live in care. Something we can't actually afford to maintain for too long as it's hellishly expensive. She's had a few scares and we've had to call the emergency services out to her, and that's not fair on her. Imagine sitting on the floor unable to get up, you can hear the doorbell ringing and the phone, you can hear everyone trying to get in to you but you're not able to shout loud enough to be heard; you have no idea how long you've been on the floor and whether you had a seizure or not. That was when I decided that something had to be done.
It's the hardest thing in the world and I can't help but feel I'm letting mum down. I know I'm not but this is hard. A reminder that this beautiful, vibrant lady has a long past and a shorter future. A reminder that I don't know enough about who she was; as I didn't know enough about who my dad was.
And at this moment in time I've reached a brick wall. Tears are a daily occurrence, they just start from nowhere and I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that it's all ok, I'm doing my best. I'm so physically and emotionally tired but it's not surprising really. I've travelled so much in the last few months and have so many emotions within me. It's so hard watching dementia steal my beautiful mum but I'm blessed with my incredible family who not only are working with me as a team to help plan and move mum's care forward but are also there, surrounding me with their love and support. They all know how difficult this is for me as mum is also a sister and a grandma, this affects us all.Together we are working to make this final change as smooth as possible for mum. The very least I can do is to take care of mum as she used to take care of me. After my dad died I remember my counsellor saying that he didn't have to suffer the indignity of growing old, which would have been so hard for such a proud, charismatic gentleman; but now I listen to my mum saying she's lived too long and this breaks my heart. Of course I know she doesn't mean it but she's still aware of what's going on, it's just that she forgets and becomes confused.
And today when I called her she remembered the plans for her new life and although she accepts it, really doesn't want it to happen. Why should she? It's a reminder that she is old and has become more frail each day; a reminder that her time is shorter upon this earth. She's having to give up her independence and rely upon others to help her with day to day living, and for someone who has been used to being in charge and telling others what to do, this is not an easy transition. So today she was a bit grumpy; I would be too!
How I wish I could go back even a few years and sit down with both my parents. Ask them to tell me the story of how they fell in love and how dad proposed. What they did that really got them in trouble as a child and who their best friends were. Ask what their favourite memories were and what they were passionate about. We have the old photos that I will sit and go through but I won't have mum or dad there to talk me through each one; I shall only be able to wonder about the day that snapshot of their life was taken. To guess who some of the people are and marvel over the youth of the faces I recognise.
So take the time to get to know your parents and grandparents, the family members that you love so dearly, for regrets come around too soon and this time with them cannot be brought back. Don't hate yourself if you're too late because you are living life as your parents would want you to. Just don't forget them in your rush to grow up and be an adult. Their time and emotions are as important as yours, maybe more so because without them where would you be?
So here's to my mum and dad. Two beautiful vibrant people who danced the night away and partied till the sun came up. Here's to my mum, who loves my company as I love hers. Whose time I cherish. Who loved me and nurtured my children. Who taught me how to be me. Thank you. I love you.